Gradius

~ GRADIUS ~

Konami

HuCard

1991

So, let's take a look at what this "famous" blaster delivers. It's a moderately challenging affair with a few interesting tunes. Not exactly the stuff of legends there, but this story only gets worse: dinky weaponry; small, unimpressive enemies; lots of slowdown; and boring space-theme levels make this an outdated, geriatric shooter, a wash-up through and through. Timeless, this is not.

Ah, but the boss designs save everything, don't they? Who could forget the first time they fought the "shoot the core" ship, a shoot 'em up hall of famer for sure?

And then there's this mighty behemoth...

...and this remarkable titan...

All right, enough. I don't care what year this game was released. This bum wasn't much fun to fight in the first place, he certainly wasn't fun to fight multiple times in one trip, and he sure as hell isn't fun to fight now. I mean, it was still the eighties when this fool was relegated to a Blades of Steel intermission sideshow act. Who the fuck wants anything to do with him at this point?

Konami did eventually realize they needed to shake the boss fights up a bit...

...but this is just a matter of too little, too late. Shame, though it's kind of funny that the final boss is an intentional "joke" (an eventual "staple" concept of the series)...

...because, after all, aren't the "many" bosses that precede it complete jokes anyway?

I don't care if Gradius was a "landmark" shooter or not. Whatever was "special" about it back in the day has lost its sheen, leaving behind something decrepit and uninteresting--and deserving of whatever mockery is hurled its way.

It ain't like that with all old shooters. Check out R-Type for a classic that has actually remained respectable over the years; hell, some stretches of R-T still come off as examples of ingenious shooter stage design. Returning to the Konami catalog, both Parodius and Salamander completely murder Grandpa Gradius; and while the game's own direct sequel (which was released as a PCE Super CD) is hardly wonderful itself, it was clearly an improvement as far as stage concepts and boss designs go, leaving its forerunner in the dust. What with the existence of these superior alternatives (and the many others that are out there), this old-timer is barely even worth playing anymore.