TaleSpin

~ TALESPIN ~

Radiance Software / NEC

HuCard

1991

While people don't typically heap praise on TaleSpin, they don't often give it the shellacking it deserves, either. So for a long time, I actually thought I would enjoy this game because something about the look of it in the few screenshots I'd seen appealed to me.

But this is one of the few Turbo titles that actually look worse when viewed on a television screen than they look in screen caps. The backgrounds lack detail, the enemy designs are uninspired, and almost the entire game is dark and bland. (So much for a bright, cartoony adventure...) The music and sound effects are even worse, as they are of such revoltingly low quality that they'd be deemed unacceptable for a low-level NES cart. But the horrible controls and crappy stage designs are the aspects that are truly unforgivable, as they "team up" to make the experience as aggravating as possible. But don't worry: it's easy to come up with cheap, unfun "strategies" that'll enable you to cheese your way through the levels, and most of the bosses require you to do little more than stand in a nice spot and hold down the fire button. (Even the last battle is a complete joke.) To top it all off, the ending stinks.

I try to look for the good in everything and all that, and I guess the "good" in this case is the variety in "weapons" you use and "challenges" you face. You toss snowballs in the cold level and wield an air hose in the underwater level; and there's a sidescrolling shooter stage, a stage that lets you control some other bum, and vertically scrolling "sky skiing" bonus strips. But when everything looks so terrible, sounds so terrible, and plays so terribly, "variety" can hardly offset all the negative stuff.

The "cinematics" are purposeless.

Good luck with the platforming sections.

You'll end up in a lot of lousy situations because of the poor controls.

Oh sure, there's "variety," but it's all crap.

Don't these boss fights look exciting?

A duel for the ages.